Monkey Trouble
Written by Dan
So, last night I was over at my friend's house playing "totally legal Monopoly money" Texas Hold 'em, when I get a call on my wireless, mobile, cellular telephone.
DAN: Hello.
NICOLE: I'm sorry to interrupt you on "guy's night," but you'll never guess what just happened!
DAN: The projector exploded?
NICOLE: No, I just got a five from a monkey!
DAN: A monkey paid you five dollars?!
NICOLE: No! It slapped my hand.
DAN: Why was there a monkey in the theater?
NICOLE: I don't know, it came in with some lady. She said it was a service animal.
DAN: Did it attack your glasses and jump into the popper?
NICOLE: No, but it was all dressed up with pants and a button shirt. At first I thought it was just a really hairy baby.
DAN: Did you sell a ticket to the monkey?
NICOLE: No, they just wanted to see the theater.
DAN: Awesome. I want to get a high five from a monkey! That's one of the sole reasons we opened The Moxie!
NICOLE: Too bad! And it was a low five, by the way.
Pretty strange, eh? Well that's not the half of it. Had that been the whole story, it would barely warrant a one sentence mention on the blog (e.g. "A dressed up monkey came into the theater and gave Nicole a low five last night. In other news, I lost at poker again last..."). However, the story took a bizarre twist today when we received the following letter from the Springfield-Greene County Health Department in the mail:
To: ALL FOOD SERVICE ESTABLISHMENT OWNERS AND OPERATORS
Due to numerous complaints and recent discussions of the definition of service animals with the U.S. Department of Justice, Civil Rights Division, this Department has made the decision not to allow Ms. [NAME OMITTED] to enter a Food Establishment with her monkey. According to the U.S. Department of Justice definition of service animals, such an animal must be able to perform a specific task for people with disabilities. It has become apparent that this monkey does not qualify as a service animal.
Please be advised that should Ms. [NAME OMITTED] be allowed to enter your Food Establishment with her monkey, you will be in violation of the 1999 Missouri Food Code Section 6-501.116 which is a critical violation. Should this person or another person accompanying her monkey, refuse to leave the premises with the animal, you are directed to call this Department at [PHONE NUMBER] for assistance or after hours the Police Department at [PHONE NUMBER].
Your cooperation is appreciated.
Now, before I continue, I want to make it abundantly clear that I'm not posting this to mock Ms. [NAME OMITTED] or cast ridicule onto the Health Department. I don't know the details behind the monkey, or the letter, but I'd sure as hell like to find out. It's just such a bizarre and unusual story that I had to share it with all 14 of my blog readers! That letter, by the way, was sent to all 4,203,189 food establishments in the Springfield metro area.
In fact, one of my poker buddies who works at a pizza place, called me today to tell me I'd be in violation of code section 6-501.116 if I allowed the monkey back into The Moxie. Needless-to-say, we've been planning out various scenarios for when the day comes that we actually have to remove the primate from the premises. Most of them end with the monkey breaking free from Ms. [NAME OMITTED], attacking Nicole's glasses, and diving into the popper... which is how most of my poker nights end too.
And that, my friends, is the weirdest story I've told in a long time. Cherish it.
Cherish it.
