The indentured rhinoceros
Written by Dan
A Case of Mistaken Semantics
Setting - Architect's office. Dan (blog writer), Andrew (building owner), Chris (general contractor), Jana (architect), Electonicus (electrical engineer, whose name escapes me), and Achvacuumus (HVAC engineer, whose name ALSO escapes me).
Jana - We are gathered here today to discuss the financial disparities between Dan...
Dan - Hello.
Jana - ... and the unruly upgrade bids.
Bids - (as a pirate) Argh.
Jana - Electonicus, these bids are too high, says I.
Dan, Andrew, and Chris - Aye aye.
Jana - What say you to this?
Electronicus - The price is only justified. Look here! (points to the electrical schematic) See how the projection booth requires so much juice.
Jana - Indeed. (reads schematic) 130 amps for the projector. 120 amps for the soundhead. Why, these numbers are proposterous! How could a machine eat so much amperage?
Dan - The machine needs electrons to produce an image.
Electronicus - But 250 amps? My God man! That could power a shack of Canadian leprechauns for fourteen weeks. Surely you jest?
Dan - I speak only of what my equipment dealer has relayed to me over this phone. (lifts phone high into the air, before accidentally dropping it to the ground) Perhaps I should call him back and reconfirm the electronomical load.
All, save Dan - Yes. Perhaps.
Dan - (picks phone up off the floor) Excuse me for a moment.
All, save Dan - (excuses Dan)
CUT TO: The hallway
Dan - (to phone) Dial damn you, dial!
Equipmentimus - Dan's Equipment Dealer, how may I help you?
Dan - Equipmentimus, it's me.
Equipmentimus - Me who?
Dan - Dan!
Equipmentimus - Ah yes. (feigning cordiality) What can I do for you today, Dan? Would you like me to further reduce my mark-up? Are you calling to kindly inform me that you've decided to buy the majority of your equipment on eBay again?
Dan - No, no. I need to double-check the electronomical load of the projection booth before we start shaving savings from the electrical bid.
Equipmentimus - Ok. What specs did you give them?
Dan - 130 (read: one thirty) amp for the projector, and 120 (read: one twenty) for the soundhead. Is that right?
Equipmentimus - That's right.
Dan - Damnit. I was hoping you'd say I had my numbers wrong. I guess we really are going to have to upgrade to a 600 amp service.
Equipmentimus - 600 amps! Are you running a leprechaun shack in there or something?!
Dan - Of course not! But what else can we do when the projection room ALONE requires 250 amps of electronation?
Equipmentimus - 250 amps? How did you get that number?
Dan - 130 for the projector, and 120 for the soundhead.
Equipmentimus - No, no, no. You misunderstood me! It's ONE 30 amp for the projector, and ONE 20 amp for the soundhead. You only need 50 amps to run the booth.
Dan - Oh my....
CUT TO: Flashback, early 80s
Teacher - I'll whisper the sentence to Jimmy, and then he'll whisper the sentence to his neighbor, and so on and so forth until it gets to Daniel.
Class - Yippee!
Teacher - (whispers) The little fish waved at the green turtle.
Jimmy - (whispers) The little fist waved at the green turtle.
Jane - (whispers) The brittle fist waved at the keen turtle.
FADE TO: The last student whispering in Dan's ear
Teacher - Very good class. Okay Daniel, what did you hear?
Dan - Poop poop nard sack - Mrs. Jenkles smells like urinal cakes. Daniel is AWESOME!
Class - (breaks into hysterics)
CUT TO: Present day
Electronicus - 50 amps! That's quite a difference.
Dan - Is it?
Electronicus - Yes, it is.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
- Does this new revelation save money for the Moxie, or ultimately spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r?
- Will Dan every get over his fear of the telephone game?
- Why do all urinal cakes have that little skunk on it?
- Who wants to bet that 30% (or more) of the female readership have never seen a urinal cake?
Come back tomorrow to find out!
Addendum #1 - Greetings new blog readers! This blog is about starting an independent movie theater in Springfield, Missouri. No, seriously, it is. Don't believe me? Read the archives. I used to be quite pithy and informative. Ah, those were the days.
Addendum #2 - In lieu of a new phlog, my good friend Justin has published a set of photos depicting his fun-filled MOXIE weekend in Springfield. Be warned, the photos contain awesome shots of me looking cooler than anyone you've ever seen in your whole entire life. Seriously.